If I Could Turn Back Time and I can
by Jia Xanthe
Summary: The magic of writing comes in handy: a revamp of the Yugioh ending that doesn't involve TEARS. Instead there are Lolz and slashes. Rated M for language and content. THIS IS A PARODY OF THE SHOW AND ITSELF. puzzleship
1. Chapter 1

Jia: That's it! The end of YuGiOh was too sad. I have to do something about it.

Yugi: Like what?

Jia: Like Yami's coming back.

Yugi: Really? Yay! *cough* um, I mean, that's great.

Jia: It's okay Yugi, everyone knows you're in love with him.

Yugi: *blush* I-I don't know what… *flustered*

Jia: *laughs* whatever Yugi, I'm going to start now, do you mind?

Yugi: Not at all. Jia owns nothing and she never will, if she did you can bet 4kids and PG ratings wouldn't be any part of it. …Wait, what is that supposed to mean?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

**Also: Please don't get offended by my use of the word 'fag' I am aware that it is offensive. However, the term 'fag hag' was not made up by me and it is not intended as an insult to homosexuals. I am actually quite fond of homosexuals (hence the whole fag hag thing), I have several friends who are gay and I am an avid beleiver in gay rights. **

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Atem walked through the gates into heaven taking the final steps of his journey to the afterlife. As he walked he lifted his right hand and gave his modern friends a thumbs up before the light consumed him and he disappeared from their sight.

Atem joined all of his old friends who were standing waiting for him.

"My Pharaoh" the crowd murmured and everyone fell to their knees in supplication. Atem smiled

"My friends, I ask that you do not bow. We are all equals in heaven." The Pharaoh said.

"We missed you my Pharaoh" Mahad said stepping forward. Atem smiled,

"And I you, dear friends." He replied.

"Come on Pharaoh! Everyone else is this way!" Mana cried and grabbed Atem's hand before dragging him along behind her. Atem followed graciously but not before he stole a glance behind him. The door that he had come through was gone, the link to Yugi severed, and he could not help but feel a bitterness come over his heart at the thought.

_Goodbye, aibou._ He thought finally before he was dragged away.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-(because I can't imagine time applies in heaven we'll just say a few months later) –o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Atem?" Mana asked peeking around the door of the Pharaoh's room. He lifted his head and smiled.

"Mana, what is it?" he asked genially.

"Oh nothing, I was just coming to see you. You've been acting all serious lately, I was wondering if something was wrong." She said innocently. The pharaoh looked at his hands on his knees and his eyes darkened again.

"No, nothing is wrong Mana." He said. He turned to look at her again and almost fell off his stool when he found her only inches from his face. She stood up straight and laughed.

"Okay Pharaoh, I believe you. But Mahad and I think there's someone you should probably talk to." She said with a shrug. This peaked Atem's interest.

"And who is that?"

"Um, well Mahad called her the Lady of Truth when he was talking about her, but I'm pretty sure he also called her the Ultimate Fag Hag." Mana said tapping her chin in thought.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not sure, he just said that she sometimes calls herself that. Anyway, do you wanna come see her?" she asked. The pharaoh looked at his hands again before standing.

"Of course Mana, I will see her."

"Great! Come on, Mahad already gave me directions." The girl exclaimed and began pushing the Pharaoh on his way.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- (about an hour later) –o-o-o-o-o

Atem could feel the sweat in every pore of his body. He mentally cursed the heat of the sun before he realized that he had technically just cursed Ra, at which time he immediately began to beat himself up for his insolence. Mana was walking slightly ahead of him, her shoulders were slumped from the heat.

"Mahaaaaaad!" she moaned to the air. "Your directions suck!" she exclaimed and fell to her knees. Atem chuckled and caught up to her.

"Perhaps you misheard the directions." He said and held a hand out to help her to her feet.

"No! I'm positive. We must almost be there." She looked around quickly, "I think it's that way, come on!" she started running. Atem crossed his eyes in aggravation, where had she suddenly gotten all the energy from? But he wasted no time in rushing after her. Eventually they wandered long enough that they found a series of small temples.

"What are all of these?" Atem asked, he had never noticed them before.

"Well most of them are dummies, you know, so the real one won't get sacked." She said before rushing ahead.

"Hey! This is it!" Mana yelled pointing at the third one in the line.

"How can you tell?" Atem asked. They all looked the same to him.

"Because, Mahad told me it was the third one from the right end of the line. Come on!" she said and rushed through the door. Atem followed and relished in the sudden cool air inside the temple. It took him a few moments to become accustomed to the dark interior and when he did he found himself utterly underwhelmed. It was an empty room, completely devoid of decoration. There wasn't even an altar to pray at.

"I guess the temple raiders found out which one was real." Atem said unable to hide the disappointment from his voice.

"No." Mana whispered. "Ugh! Mahad! Why do you always send me on these wild chases!?" she yelled to the air and grabbed her hair in aggravation. Atem, meanwhile, was getting a closer look at the room. Despite the fact that it was empty, it could hardly be described as barren. There was something about it that radiated calmness, completion. In fact, the pharaoh realized with a start, this was the most complete he had felt since leaving the twenty-first century. He knelt to the floor and brushed his fingers against the stone.

"Pharaoh? What is it?" Mana asked

"Something…something about this place is magic." He said quietly "it reminds me of…Yugi."

With that the temple began to shake, dust and sand was shaken from the ceiling as the floor shook.

"What's happening?" Atem asked roughly. Mana squeaked. The floor at the end of the temple suddenly split and revealed a long staircase underground. The temple stopped shaking.

"What in the name of Ra…" Atem gasped. He stepped towards the stairs.

"Pharaoh, be careful!" Mana said clutching onto Atem's arm.

"It's alright Mana, it's just a staircase." He said calmly and began his descent. Mana followed closely behind. They went down the staircase and entered complete blackness; the stairs continued for a surprisingly long time but eventually with a quiet echo the Pharaoh's feet found the bottom. An instant after Mana reached the end a series of lamps lit of their own accord. The two Egyptians watched in wonder as the entire underground chamber was lit. Large columns framed the room and were decorated in paintings of papyrus leaves and lotus blossoms. Finally the light hit a throne at the end of the room. It was elaborately carved and inlaid with gold; on the throne sat a woman. She was dressed in a simple white robe and was clearly busy removing dust and rubble from her body and hair. She eventually looked up to see Atem and Mana at the opposite end of the chamber. Although it was difficult to see her face in the dim light, Atem could see the genial smile she wore.

"Ah Yami. I've been wondering when you'd come."

"My name is not Yami, it is Ate-"

"Yes yes, Atem, I know, but I like the sound of Yami better. Atem just sounds like you were trying to go Egyptian but weren't quite attached to the idea. Now, come closer, both of you." She ordered. The two started forward, Atem was surprised at how long the room truly was and found himself glad of Mana's company.

"There we go." The strange woman said as the two reached her chair.

"Who are you?" Atem asked in a commanding tone.

"My my, you're serious Yami, well, you deserve to know. I am Jia Xanthe, also known as the Lady of Truth by your little friends, also also known as the Ultimate Fag Hag."

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Atem asked.

"Which part?"

"Fag hag, what is that?" he asked. Jia laughed happily,

"Oh Pharaoh, if I told you, you'd never speak to me again. Now, to business. It seems we have a problem." She said. Atem raised an eyebrow,

"What problem is that?" he asked suspiciously.

"Well the first is that you are not happy." She said. Atem's eyes narrowed.

"Of course I am happy." He countered with the obvious. Jia closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Yeah, the Pharaoh tried for ages to get here, why wouldn't he be happy?" Mana said harshly. Jia's eyes snapped open and suddenly they were angry.

"Mana is it?" she asked "You are not welcome here while I speak to Yami, I must ask you to return upstairs until we are done."

"No way! I'm not leaving the Pharaoh's side." Mana yelled. Jia rubbed her temple.

"You do realize you don't need to yell, the acoustics in here are quite good. You also fail to realize the power I hold over this world. And if I want you upstairs, then you'll be upstairs." She said and snapped her fingers. With a little magical puff of smoke Mana disappeared.

"What did you do to her!" Atem yelled instantly.

"What did I just say about yelling?" Jia asked herself quietly. "I sent her upstairs. She'll be up there when you go back, if you choose to go back. Now, before I was so rudely interrupted, you are not happy, I know why, you know why, but you can't articulate it. So allow me to enlighten you. You are unhappy because you are missing half of your soul, a certain Yugi Motou?" She asked even though she clearly knew it was true. Atem's eyes widened but he was silent.

"Do you deny that you miss the boy?" she asked. Atem took a startled step back and he looked to the floor.

"No, I do not deny it." He admitted after a moment

"Then clearly there is a problem. I can also see into the emotions of Yugi and I can assure you that your feelings are not one-sided." She said.

"How do you know?" he asked anxiously.

"I have ways. Here, I'll show you. Stay here." She stood up, a copious amount of dust fell to the floor, "oh crap." She muttered before breaking into coughs.

"Why…are you so dusty?" the Pharaoh asked.

"I was locked in stone before you arrived." She said, grumpily gesturing to a pile of rubble off to the right. "of course I'm dusty. Now, give me a minute." She said and walked behind her throne. She opened a small wooden door and began shuffling through. Atem watched in wonder as item after item was thrown aside; a bejeweled sword, a golden ring, a massive jewel, and more. He walked over to see what she was looking for.

"What are all of these things?" he asked picking up a vial of crystal water.

"They're clichés, I'm trying to find one to show you how Yugi's doing." She said from inside the closet. Atem's throat tightened. He had been trying to dismiss his Light from his mind, he wasn't sure if he could handle seeing him again.

"Ah ha! Here we go." Jia exclaimed from the closet. Atem heard her grunt and she reappeared holding a large silver basin. He rushed forward and grabbed one side.

"Thanks Yami. Let's just put it in front of my chair." She said. Together they moved the basin and set it up on the ground. Jia clapped her hands together and placed them on the side of the bin. Yami looked down into the basin and found the bottom to be as reflective as any mirror but the metal seemed to sing.

"Now Pharaoh, tell me what it is you want to see." She directed.

"Yugi, I'd like to see Yugi." He managed to choke out. He was astounded when the reflection in the basin began to change and before he knew it he was looking at Yugi, Joey, Tristan and Teah all walking to school in Domino City. Tears filled the Pharaoh's eyes as he took in his former partner. The boy was smiling with his friends and, at first glance, appeared to be enjoying himself but the Pharaoh could see so much more. He knew every facet of Yugi's face and he knew that the smile was not true, that he was pretending. The scene changed to Yugi in his bedroom, he was looking at a picture, the pharaoh strained his eyes to see the subject but he didn't need to, a moment later the vision closed in on the picture in Yugi's hands. It was of Joey, Tristan, Teah and Yami, all smiling for the camera. And the young man's voice echoed from out of the basin _"even here we're not together". _Atem could hear the tears in Yugi's voice and it broke his heart. He closed his eyes to feel his own tears.

"Aibou…" he whispered. He opened his eyes again and saw that the scene had changed again. Now it was Yugi in class, there was a picture of a pyramid on the projection screen and the teacher was calmly talking about the pharaohs of Egypt and their burial rites. Yugi was holding his pen against the paper, completely still, his hand was white from the grip he held on the utensil. A moment later he rose from his seat and walked briskly out of the room. The teacher called after him but he ignored her, he made his way to the single-stall bathroom and locked himself inside before he fell to the ground with silent sobs. _"Atem…" _the vision of Yugi said between sobs, _"Atem!!" _he repeated the Pharaoh's name to the stark tiled walls. Meanwhile Atem could barely see the vision at all through his tears,

"Stop." He said quietly, "Stop showing me this!" he yelled and turned violently away. He put a hand to his head and cried, "What have I done to him?" he asked to himself. He started when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"It's alright Pharaoh. Those were only the bad parts of what Yugi has felt. Some good things have happened; he grew about two inches." Jia said in comfort. The Pharaoh laughed bitterly. He couldn't stand to see his Light so sad, crying, crying for him. He continued to cry himself.

"I'm so sorry Yugi, I didn't mean to…while I went to heaven, you…" he trailed off and buried his head in his hands.

"Now, now Pharaoh, we still have a lot to discuss-"

"Why would you show me this!" Atem yelled suddenly, the spun around and glared.

"Well," Jia began calmly, "I suppose it's because I needed to show the fan base the extent of Yugi's emo over you and I didn't feel like doing a whole montage from his POV." She explained simply. Atem gave her a completely blank expression,

"…what?" he asked eventually. Jia laughed,

"Because because Pharaoh, because because. Now, on to more important business. You and Yugi both miss each other, you're long dead in the past and he's alive and depressed in the present."

"Yes, what of it?"

"All that needs to change." She declared.

"How? Only the power of the Gods can complete the kind of magic you're talking about."

"No, I can do it too. And I intend too, as long as you agree to my conditions." She said as she sat herself back down on her throne.

"What kind of dark magic do you intend to use?" Atem asked suspiciously.

"None at all, only the magic of the Writer. Now would you like to hear my conditions or would you rather go back to Mana and leave Yugi alone?" She asked.

"What are the conditions?" Atem asked dubiously. Jia clapped her hands in her chair and giggled.

"Oh goody, my conditions to return you to Yugi's world, with your own body are as follows; one: you must refer to yourself and have others refer to you as Yami, I will have none of this 'Atem' business. Two: You must live with Yugi for the rest of your collective lives. It shouldn't be too hard since he has half your soul. And finally three: you must confess how you feel about him to him as soon as you find yourself able. Are my conditions understood?"

"What do you mean by 'confess my feelings to him'?" Atem asked blushing. Jia grinned.

"Well it feels cheesy to say, but you two are really soul mates. You have to tell him how much you love him." She said happily.

"B-but, well, I mean- I don't. It's not like I, you know-" Atem was finally at a loss for words as he blustered through his fragmental thoughts.

"Now Yami, you should know by now that I can pretty much read your mind, you're completely smitten with Yugi, it's the reason why you can't truly be happy without him, not even in heaven. If you think about it hard enough, you'll know I'm right." She explained. "And if you're worried about Yugi's feelings toward you, then don't worry. I hate to ruin any kind of sexual tension but I might as well tell you that Yugi is head over heels for you. He was even aware of his feelings before you were, he's a smart kid." She said smiling in praise.

"So, if I agree to your conditions then I will be sent back to Yugi, no tricks?" Atem asked, he could hardly believe the opportunity, in fact, he couldn't. Jia shook her head. "What's in it for you?" he asked with suspicion. Jia smiled in a sad sort of way.

"I couldn't stand seeing you two apart. My only gain is the satisfaction of a truly happy ending for you and Yugi." She said simply. Something seemed to hit her suddenly

"Oh wait, there is sort of one more condition. It's also the only way I want to do the magic…" she trailed off blushing.

"What is it?"

"You have to kiss me." She said with her jaw set despite her rosy cheeks. The Pharaoh gulped.

"Why?"

"Because I want it. Now, I'm getting very tired and I really want to get back to being a stone block, (you know, thrilling times). So, what is your decision Pharaoh? Do you choose to stay here and spend eternity split in half? Or do you choose to return to Yugi, your partner and the one thing you will always love?" she asked seriously. Yami's head reeled with the opportunities.

"Wait, how can I possibly decide? I don't want to insult the Gods. And what will happen to Yugi and I once we die from his world?"

"The Gods won't mind one bit (I hardly think they care). As for what happens when you die the second time, I'm fairly positive you'll just come right back here, it's that or to some other kind of heaven."

"My soul won't burn for eternity?" Atem asked. Jia laughed.

"Hardly. Maybe burn with undying passion but otherwise I doubt you'll do any burning. So, I'm asking you the last time. What do you choose?" She asked. Atem looked at her straight and he smiled a little.

"It's really no choice at all. I will return to Yugi and spend my life in his world." Atem finally said. Jia smiled in pure happiness.

"I'm so glad. I'm going to bring Mana back down and you can tell her what's going to happen. I'm going to contact Ishizu and set everything up." Jia said as she stood.

"Why Ishizu?"

"Well I can hardly have you walk in randomly on Yugi, you might give the poor thing a heart attack. No, we'll do it the convoluted way, after all, that's how things usually work around here." Jia said. She walked to the left side of her throne and opened another door in the wall behind. She snapped her fingers and Mana appeared in another puff of smoke.

"What the heck is happening around here!" Mana yelled as soon as she became aware that her surroundings had been completely changed again. Yami (as he will be called from now on) smiled, he felt bad for leaving all of his friends but he couldn't spend eternity without Yugi.

"Mana, pay attention. This sorceress has promised me passage to Yugi's world that will not incur the wrath of the gods. I hate to leave all of you my friends, but I would like to spend at least one lifetime with Yugi. I may perhaps return here after I have finished my life there. Go back to the palace and tell everyone of my decision. I will miss you all." He explained quickly. Mana gaped wordlessly at him for several seconds.

"What!" she screamed after she finally reconnected her brain. Yami opened his mouth to reply

"Okay, that's it. Volume control. Learn it. Now go away, I'm going to appease the fanbase and reunite Yami and Yugi." Jia snapped harshly.

"What!" Mana yelled again. "You're making no sense. Atem, are you going to listen to this crazy woman?"

"Yes." Yami replied without hesitation. Jia placed a hand on the Pharaoh's shoulder and smiled.

"That's right. Now. _Fuck off_." She said and snapped one last time and the angry little puff of smoke replaced Mana. "Finally. She's really annoying, I don't know how you handle it." Jia said.

"Please don't insult my friends." Yami said defensively.

"Oh I'm sorry, would you rather stay here with her?" Jia asked sarcastically.

"No." Yami said in a panic. Jia smirked.

"That's what I thought. Okay, what you have to do is sit in this chair here. It's in Ishizu's museum in Yugi's time. When you get there you'll be in your normal 'modern' clothes and Ishizu will help you out from there. Got it?" Jia asked. Yami nodded. He tentatively sat in the chair and waited for something to happen.

"You're not leaving without my kiss Yami, here, close your eyes." Jia directed. Reluctantly Yami let his eyelids drop. Jia leaned over him and tilted his head up.

"I'll be keeping an eye on you." She whispered. He felt a pair of cool lips brush against his own and then a horrid sinking sensation. He tried to open his eyes but found he couldn't, nor could he yell or move any part of his body. He couldn't even breathe. Just as he felt he couldn't bear the sensation any longer it ended. He opened his eyes with a gasp and lunged from the chair. He landed on cool marble floors in a starkly lit room.

"Hello pharaoh." A familiar voice said from the shadows. Yami stood despite his shaking knees.

"Ishizu." He said, she came from behind a pillar and the pharaoh smiled.

"Welcome back." She said with a bow.

"Thank you. Where is Yugi?" Yami asked getting right to the point.

"He is on his way, I believe his friends are driving him." She said shortly. Yami nodded, suddenly unable to speak around the lump in his throat. He was going to see Yugi again.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi everyone! I'm so sorry this has taken me forever. The shit has hit the fan most epically. It's short. I'm having a bit of trouble deciding exactly what to make happen next. I was thinking of just having them make out right off but then I decided it would be a good idea to make Yami all nervous about confessing his feelings because although he knows Yugi feels the same (or atleast he's been told so), he's never confessed his feelings to anyone before and he doesn't know how to do it. What do you think? I dunno, maybe I'm grasping at straws.

I don't own the series or anything of the sort (sad face)

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Yugi sat slumped in the back seat of Teah's mother's car. He didn't want to go to the museum. He'd become very good at doing whatever the rest of the gang was doing, but this was too painful. A new Egypt exhibit had come to the museum and Yugi and his friends had been granted a special preview before it opened (invitations courtesy of Ishizu). He had tried his best to forget everything about the Pharaoh and their time together. He had even stopped playing duel monsters. His friends knew he was sensitive to things like this, so why were they making him go?

"C'mon Yuug. It'll be fun." Joey said as he threw an arm around Yugi's shoulder.

"But I don't want to go." Yugi muttered quietly.

"Yugi, you used to love Egypt. Don't you think Atem would have wanted you to follow your passion for his homeland?" Teah said. Yugi squeezed his eyes shut at the Pharaoh's true name.

"We'll never know what he wanted anyway. It doesn't even matter." Yugi mumbled. The car pulled up to the museum and the four friends exited the vehicle. Ishizu was standing in the entrance.

"Hello" she said smoothly.

"Ishizu! Heya, how's it been?" Joey said loudly.

"Hi Ishizu, how was Egypt?" Tristan asked. Yugi nodded at her in greeting but kept his mouth clamped tightly to try and stop the tears.

"I am very well. Come in, the exhibit is this way." Ishizu said dispassionately. She led the group into the museum and let them wander through the artifacts. As soon as Tristan, Teah and Joey were busy gawking at a golden scarab beetle Ishizu approached Yugi who was stood apart and kept his eyes closed.

"Yugi. I would like to show you something special." Ishizu said. Yugi looked up at her, tears clearly shining in his eyes.

"I don't know if I can." He choked. There was too much of his past here, too many reminders of _him_.

"It will be alright. Come." She insisted and led him to the exit.

"Hey, Ishizu, where're'ya takin' Yugi?" Joey asked.

"I am showing him a special part of the exhibit. You can all stay here." She said and continued down the stairs. Yugi rubbed his eyes to force the tears away. It was just a bunch of artifacts; there was nothing special about any of them.

"In here." Ishizu opened a door and gestured Yugi inside. "I will leave you in private." She said and walked back upstairs. Yugi took this as his cue to let himself cry. He sniffled as he walked into the room. Large columns stood inside the door and he immediately recognized them as part of the palace. He looked up at the massive supports and felt heavy tears stream down his face.

"Atem." He whispered. Suddenly he fell to his knees and began to sob silently. Moments later he heard footsteps. He didn't care; it was probably just his friends coming to check on him.

"Yugi." A masculine tenor spoke his name. A familiar masculine tenor. Yugi's eyes snapped open in shock. He spun around on the floor and nearly stopped breathing as he took in the Pharaoh. His pharaoh.

"A-atem." He gasped.

"You must call me Yami, Yugi." The man said, he went to Yugi and knelt down. Yugi was frozen.

"Yami." He whispered. He lifted a shaking hand and slowly reached out to the vision. Silently Yami allowed Yugi to touch his cheek. Yugi's fingers met solid flesh.

"I'm really here aibou." Yami whispered. Fluid tears poured from Yugi's eyes.

"Yami." He said again. He couldn't believe it. The pharaoh, Yami, he was back. Yami's hand closed around Yugi's fingers and he stared into the younger boy's bloodshot eyes.

"Yes." He confirmed Yugi again. Yugi's eyes flashed towards their clasped hands and for a moment they were still. Yugi then pushed himself forward and toppled on top of the pharaoh.

"Yami!" he cried. He clutched the older boy desperately, as if his greatest fear was that he might disappear. Yami wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him just as close.

"Hush aibou, its okay. I'm back." He comforted the body in his arms and shed a happy tear. Each of the boys relished in the other's presence. They both felt the warmth of another body and the rapid beating of nervous hearts. They sensed each other's spirits and knew the bond between them had not broken. Strange peace emanated from them because it had been too long since they had felt this way. Finally together, they felt complete.

After a few minutes like this Yugi pulled away.

"But how. Did the gods-"

"No" Yami said smiling, "it was a sorceress. She told me that we can only be happy together Yugi, and for that I will spend the rest of this life with you." Yami said as he wiped a tear from Yugi's cheek.

"You won't disappear?" Yugi whispered. Yami shook his head. "How do I know this isn't a dream? I've had so many dreams like this Yami."

"You can feel me aibou. I'm right here, I won't leave you again." He assured the younger boy and hugged him tightly "I couldn't".

"I missed you so much." Yugi whispered into Yami's chest.

"I know me too."

"But you were in heaven." Yugi said pulling away again. (Get ready for the gagging line :)

"There is no heaven without you." Yami said quietly.

"It was hell while you were gone." Yugi murmured.

"I know. I didn't mean to hurt you aibou." Yami stroked Yugi's face softly. "Can you ever forgive me?" He asked. Yugi's eyes filled with tears once again and he nodded and wiped his tears on his sleeve. When he finished he looked Yami in the eye and smiled. Yami's heart skipped a beat. Yugi's eyes were bloodshot, his nose was red and he had the appearance of someone with very little sleep and Yami could not help but see the most beautiful face he could ever imagine.


End file.
